A California Girl In Kansas

Back when I was totally rocking the 9021…2, when my boss was out of town for weeks on end and I had already completed all of my assorted responsibilities within the first day or two, I spent hours perusing the glorious internets.

Mainly my perusing consisted of three places: Westside Rentals (I spent a good chunk of time looking for a place to live post-coked out roommate who ate all my food), MSN Games to play Scrabble Blast (which I got insanely good at), and Craigslist.

Ahhhh… Craigslist.  Unfortunately for Wichita, Craigslist has not caught on here AT ALL.  Fortunately for me when I lived in LA, you could basically solve all of your problems thanks to Craigslist.  You could find an apartment or a sublet or a dog or pick up someone’s old moving boxes for $20.  You could find a job and some furniture and even a date (or a one-night stand, if that’s your thing).  You could buy a new car or concert tickets or find out where all of the good garage sales would be that weekend.  Craigslist was free classified heaven.  And I spent hours there.

Furniture was one of my favorite sections to check out, mainly because I really needed a couch at the time.  Do you have any idea what kind of disgusting furniture people try to sell?  They’ll try to sell a ratty old couch that I wouldn’t even sit on without someone paying ME.  And I also became convinced that the majority of furniture sellers are filthy people who don’t even have the foresight to clean up their living room before taking a picture of said nasty couch.

Of course, if you live in San Francisco, your couch options are slightly different.  Like this vagina couch - a true Craigslist special.

For Sale - beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3″ long, 3′ 3″ wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3″ tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!

$600 for a giant upholstered vagina. Do you invite your guests to come in and have a seat in the living room on your giant vagina? If a friend comes over and you have a bunch of books and blankets and such on the couch, do you say, “Oh sorry… My vagina is dirty. Let me clean it off before you have a seat?” And really, this couch looks rather deep. It’s quite possible that you could even get sort of stuck in your vagina. Look - there’s even a built in… pillow!

Ah, dear vagina couch, I do hope you find a “loving home.”